Out of balance

It’s been awhile, but i’ve decided not to apologize every time anymore and make promises to be better. Maybe I will be, maybe I won’t.
I know I want write more, but I need what I write to matter.

So..
I’m totally out of balance these days.
And I fear that I’ve gained almost all of the 5 kgs I’d lost already. I don’t know, and I don’t want to.
I’ve been a lot away from home and it has been some stressful weeks, and it kills me to feel so out of balance, because I felt so good up until we left for France. I spoke to my mother about how I thought everything was going well and how good I felt regarding  food and training. I felt relaxed about everything and believed I was on the right path.
But now – I feel so out of sync with both food and training.
I know I will get back on track, but I can’t let it take too long.. I usually go of my track once in awhile, and then its almost like I’m starting from square one again, every time. I DON’T want that.

I really wanna go on a vacation in the fall. And for that I’d like to have lost quite a lot of weight. I’m also going into an internship, as part of my school, in september. For that I would really love to just have lost some. Mostly if I have to wear a uniform, but also to look and feel presentable.
I have so many thoughts about how much I just would really love to have focus on my self, my training, nutrition and work during summerbreak. But I also know myself – I know there needs to be several changes, inner changes, to succeed, but I also think that it’s important. Not just something I NEED to do, but want to.

I’m trying Hatha yoga on thursday. Kind of out of my comfort zone – I didn’t like the last kind of yoga I tried. But this sounds different, and the description of it says “to get bodyawareness”, and that really feels like a number one thing for me to do.

I’ve never wanted to admit or really face that it is not all about food and training. In its core it is about self-care and self-love.

IT’S BEEN AWHILE

I wanna write everything, but also nothing.

A ton has happened since my last post, but also nothing new.

I wrote in my last post that I’d tell the story of how I lost my childhood friend – a girl I’ve considered my absolute best friend up until the day she wasn’t. A girl I just knew would be my friend for life, nothing would take her away. But then it happened.
I suddenly saw she had deleted me on facebook, so i confronted her, obviously thinking it had to be a mistake. But she replied – days later, that it wasn’t. That because of our parents problems, “it wasn’t healthy” for us to be friends.
And I’m like WHAT! We’re adults.
So when she wrote that, I was done. I’m kind of harsh that way – no one gets to hurt me, without getting a reaction. I blocked her on every social media. Days later she tried reaching me through text, but was done. I was like “you did this, live with it.” Because the worst part was that she didn’t contact me, she just deleted me. Looking back, I’ve realized that I’d write to her while after she deleted me without knowing.
I was really hurt, of course. I cried. I never saw it coming. I mean, we live in different cities – me in our home town, and she 100 km away, so why let our parents problems with each other affect us?
But yeah. I could go on, but it’s not worth it. She texted me on my birthday, which of course was nice, but I never replied.
I know she feel really bad, she had hoped I wouldn’t find out.

Well, that was one of the things that have happened.
I really want to be writing more, and make an effort. It’s easter break now, so I hope I will get the time to get som post done.

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Ive been missing

And I’m so sorry.

My computer decided to drink my coffee. That was 4 weeks ago and I still haven’t gotten it back from the shop. I’m SO annoyed.

I Will be back ASAP.

Hopefully I will get it back before the weekend. I think I have plenty to write about.

Starting with loosing my childhood friend.

Stay tuned 🙏🏼

LAZY WEEKEND RANT

So I’ve been having difficulty figuring out what to write about today. That’s probably why it’s 01.44 in the middle of the night. But hey. Better late than never, right?

So it’s been a lazy and slow weekend, with no plans other than a kids birthday yesterday.
For me, it can actually be kind of a problem not to have plans, as I tend to just drop everything and do absolutely nothing at all. I just lie in my bed and binge watch tv shows and surf around the interwebs.
Yesterday I slept till 11.30 and today till 11.00.. And I actually had to go to a danceclass 11.15, but well you know, that didn’t happen. But I still wanted to be productive.
So I said to myself “plan your meals for the week, then go for a walk and then workout.”
But hours went by, my uncle came unannounced and before I knew it was 16.30, and I had done absolutely nothing. No meal plan, no walk, no workout.
On days like these I always end up in a spiral of a lot of negative thoughts and self-blaming.
I thought a quick look around Pinterest would help me make a quick meal plan, but nope, because I didn’t focus my search right. But finally I found something helpful and I had a grocery list. I changed clothes and shaked up a pre-workout shake and got in the car. I lost daylight hours and didn’t get to take my dog on a good walk and that always makes me feel really bad, she’s a big dog and needs those walks.o
I drove to the gym, sat in my car, totally unmotivated, played some games on the phone before I finally pulled myself together and walked in. The pre workout must have kicked in or something. I have a workout-plan, but all the rags were occupied and the treadmill I normally want to run on was too. I just about walked out again, but decided to go to the ellipticals. At first I sat the goal for 10 minutes, then 15 and so on, but ended up taken 30 minutes, and it made me feel really good. I don’t hate cardio, I just find it boring. Sometimes I watch tv on the phone otherwise I just turn up the music. I have a hard time staying focused on things for a longer period of time, so I look around the gym all the time. That’s probably also my insecurity, checking if people are starring at me.
Thats the worst part of the gym. Like I know what I’m doing, I’ve been working out for many years, I know the exercises, know what number of sets and reps to take, so I don’t worry about that. Just people starring.
I did some strength training and called it for today. I was okay with my effort considering what my starting point was.

After I had to go grocery shopping. It went fine, I only put one chocolate bar in the cart. Got everything from my list, and then headed home to make dinner. Leftover pork with peas and pasta. Totally unhealthy, but a least it wasn’t take-out or McDonalds.

With dinner done, and the clock being around 21.00, it became time to prepare my meals for tomorrow. I’d found the recipe (…) of oatmeal muffins, that I had to try! I love getting oatmeal in the mornings, but I don’t make time in the morning to cook it, and I haven’t found the perfect way to make overnight-oats yet. So this was jo perfect! I made the ones with blueberries and almonds, and I’m excited to try them!!
Other than that I made some scrambled eggs, also for breakfast. Then made some pinwheels for lunch and cut up some greens. The rest I’ll make when I get home.

…. and just like that another hour past and I’m going to school at 10’clock, so goodnight, sleep well or goodmorning – have a wonderful day, wherever you are in the world.

Thank you for reading. Feel free to comment, ask questions or anything you won’t.

Till next time
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GET TO KNOW ME.

So. I thought I would try to let you guys know me. I’m not good at talking about myself, so I googled “get to know me” and found this long list to fill out. I’ll probably not fill them all. Cause there are 95. So yeah.

Leeeet’s go.

  1. What is your full name?
    Well. I will not tell you that as I’ve decide to be anonymous 😉
  2. Are you named after anyone?
    Yes, after 2 great grandmas.
  3. Where are you from?
    For now I’ll tell you it’s Scandinavia 🙂
  4. Which of your parents are you closest to?
    My mother, as my dad bailed before I was born.
  5. Which of your parents are you more like?
    Also mom.
  6. What is your favorite drink?
    It changes aaaaall the time, right now it’s Coca Cola Life.
  7. What is your favorite food?
    Most foods. Thats the problem.
  8. What is your favorite holiday destination?
    Maldives. I’ve been once, and I would not mind going back! Also New York City.
  9. What is your favorite childhood memory?
    So this is a hard one. I don’t really remember my childhood that well. Some parts I do, but when I try to think back I go blank.
  10. What is your favorite way to pass time?
    Binge watching tv-series. Such a bad habit.
  11. What is your favorite snack?
    Chocolate. Chocolate. Chocolate. Oh! and Chocolate.
  12. What is your favorite sport?
    To watch? Handball. To do? Weightlifting.
  13. What is your biggest regret?
    Letting myself gain this much weight. Loosing control.
  14. Are you a dog person or cat person?
    I have both. But I probably love my dog more than my cat. But I love him too.
  15. At what age did you go on your first date?
    I’ll tell you when I go. One of the many perks of weighting over 140 kg.
  16. What is at the top of your bucket list?
    I don’t have one. But I have always wanted to live in another country.
  17. What is something you are gifted at?
    Eating. A lot. Oh wait – thats not a gift.
  18. What is something you wish you were gifted at doing?
    Drawing. I used to be good, but then life came knocking on my door, and I stopped. Maybe that was one af the stupidest things to do.
  19. What is the one item you can’t leave home without?
    Well. My phone. Surprise!
  20. What is the best compliment you have ever received?
    I’ve received many, but I have hard time taking them. And believing them. And therefore I don’t really remember.
  21. What is your best physical feature?
    My eyes. That’s something people compliment me on too.
  22. What is your biggest accomplishment?
    That deserves a whole post for itself.
  23. What is your favorite color?
    Black is my happy color.
  24. What is your favorite ice-cream flavor?
    B&J’s “One sweet world”
  25. What is your favorite music genre?
    Rock, mostly. But I’m starting to be openminded to anything.
  26. What is your favorite quote?
    No pain, no gain.
  27. What is your favorite type of clothing?
    Sweats. And a hoodie.
  28. What is your most commonly used swear word?
    Fuck.
  29. Do you have a tattoo?
    I have 6.
  30. Do you have any birthmarks? If so, where?
    One in the waterline of my eye.
  31. What piece of technology can you not live without?
    Phone.
  32. What was the first concert you ever attended?
    A national one. But my first bigger was Beyonce.
  33. What was your favorite subject in High School?
    English.
  34. What was your first job?
    Cleaning.
  35. What was your least favorite subject in High School?
    Math!!
  36. What is your biggest fear?
    Loosing people I love.
  37. When was the first time you were on a plane?
    I was 5. Or 6.
  38. When was the last time you cried?
    Last week. I cry easily.
  39. When was the last time you got in a fist fight?
    I haven’t.
  40. Who was your first Boyfriend/Girlfriend?
    I promise you: If I get one, you’ll know.
  41. Describe yourself in a single sentence?
    Good hearted with trust issues.
  42. Have you ever suffered a fracture?
    Yep.
  43. Have you ever visited a country outside your continent?
    Yes. North and South America and Africa.
  44. If you could give your younger self any advice what would it be?
    Stop eating, get help.
  45. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the highest and 1 being the lowest, rate your driving skills?
    12 😉
  46. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the highest and 1 being the lowest, rate your cooking skills?
    8.
  47. What countries have you visited?
    USA, Venezuela, Maldives, Netherlands, Germany, France, Belgium, Egypt, Tunisia, Morocco, Dubai, Italy, England.
  48. What countries would you like to visit?
    Thailand.

 

Well that’s it, hope you like it. 🙂

Please sign up to get notified when I post new stuff. I think the next post will be a diary kind of thing.

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Three Poems by Jill Tabot

Beautiful poems.

Heavy Feather Review

They Put My Name In A Museum

There are just as many in the “write what you know”
and the “write what you don’t” camps, like protestors
who don’t realize their signs are the same, only in
different languages: duck or rabbit.

They put my name in a museum, and I was foolish
enough to complain that they described me as “fearlessly
tackling difficult subject matter.”

I complained when there are people whose last words
were put in museums—words spoken from phones, before
the cell towers failed—before anyone knew to pick up.

I didn’t complain because I’m not fearless—nor that
there are things I cannot tackle—towers, for instance—
people falling.

I complained because I didn’t want to be defined by trauma—
because Lawand Order: SVU also starts off with a warning:
“Difficult subject matter: Viewer discretion is advised.”

Personally, I’ve always been on the side of the ducks. Perhaps

View original post 839 more words

I broke the scale

This morning I stepped onto the scale. I of course hoped it would say that I had lost weight. It didn’t. It couldn’t weigh me anymore. At first I just thought I stood wrong or something, but no. I tried again, no result. I wouldn’t believe that I’d gained even more weight after some semi-healthy days, with semi-healthy food and a fair amount of training. Last monday the scale told that I had allowed myself to reach a weight of 153,4 kg.
I’ve lost weight, I’ve gained weight. Many times. But I have never gone past 140 kg. I somehow always managed to stay under. Now I’m 13,4 kg over, at least.
I’m 24 years old. Woman, or something like that. Yeah I feel old when I describe myself as “woman”, but thats what I am, I guess.-

I try hard not to let society affect me. But its difficult when I know that I just don’t fit in. My looks, my appearance, my clothes and so on does not fit the norms of the society.
I’ve always been bigger than my friends and others at my age. I’m tall. Strong build.
And now, obese.

So what do I do? I know all kind of ways to loose the weight. And I do it. For at few days. Or a week. I prepare everything, tell myself “THIS is it,” “you can do this.” And I believe it every single time. Until I don’t. Until something happens. Or until I stop believing.

I’m been thinking about blogging for a really long time. How I would want it, will I have anything to share in the long run? Well, only time will show. I hope to be able to share a lot. This post is already much longer than I thought, and I could continue on.
My life in whole isn’t speciel. I simple a regular, simple life with all that it brings. I will share my ups and downs, my good days, my bad days, and of course I will give more details.

I hope that with starting this blog, I’ve created an outlet for myself, a diary. I could write a personal diary, but I don’t seem to get that done. So with starting this, I hope someone will read my post and maybe relate, maybe know that they’re not alone.

I’ve decided to be anonymous for now. I don’t like the thought of people I know might be reading this. Maybe someday I will get courage enough to reveal myself. But really, the only thing you won’t see is my face. Or know my name.
I will be sharing picture of myself. My arms will always be covered because of my ink.

 

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